Help for Abused Women
Women is abusive relationships often feel at a loss when it comes to options. It takes women an average of 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship before they get out for good. As someone who has been there, I can understand why (although with God’s help, I was able to leave for good on my first attempt). The pathway forward can seem dark, foreboding and confusing. And it is very hard to navigate alone.
Although anyone of any age can be in an abusive relationship, things can be especially tricky for a woman who shares children with her abuser. Many times the abuser will threaten to fight the woman for custody of the children — not because they care about the best interests of the child, but as a tool to wield power and control. If this is your situation, please go to the WomensLaw.org website. While no website can provide personalized legal counsel, the site is a great resource for looking up both state and federal statutes in regards to child custody, divorce, immigration and gun laws. They also provide quick guides and videos that provide information (like the one below).
Making A Plan
While it is important to research, make sure that you create a realistic, actionable exit plan. Just keep in mind, many abusers will escalate and overreact when you communicate with them that you are leaving. So don’t plan to make your announcement, and then figure out what you’re going to do and how you are going to make it happen.
One early steps that you can make are:
- Opening up an individual bank account
- Revising emergency contact and pickup information at the children’s daycare/school
- Talking to a trusted friend(s) or family member(s) that support your decision and can help
- Have a consultation with an attorney that specializes in family law
If housing is an issue, save up a few thousand dollars for a quick move. If this isn’t possible, swallow your pride and reach out to family or shelters that will take in victims of domestic abuse. While it is unappealing, remind yourself that it is only temporary and it is a critical need for both yourself and your children. If you have control/rights to the home that you are currently in, look into adding in an eviction order to your protection from abuse (PFA) filing.
During The Exit
When you finally do leave, you will need support. When confronting your ex, try to not do so alone. Have a trusted friend or family member with you. Many abusers will temper their behavior when other people are around. If possible, try to not have the children present. It can be traumatizing for children to see their parents, two people that they love dearly, in a high conflict situation. This is true even when the children are very young.
Take time off from work. Anticipate needing to spend time in courts or police stations. Be sure to adhere strictly to any rules set by any court orders or motions — even if you disagree with them. Court fees and legal costs can be expensive — but in many cases, you will need to pay them. I had luck on Thumbtack finding an attorney that provided unbundled legal services. This means that instead of paying a retainer, the attorney only bills you hourly for the work they do. In my case, this meant that my attorney really played more a defensive role; my ex would file something with the court and then my attorney would assist with my response. Several times I felt that he wasn’t being proactive enough, but in all honesty, I wasn’t paying him for that. I was paying to have a legal expert in my corner so that I wouldn’t completely trip myself up on my own. In retrospect, that approach worked out fine for me. I ended up getting the custody plan that I originally asked for and payed my attorney just a bit over $3,000 in total.
Your ex and their attorney will try to paint you in the worst possible light. Expect this and don’t internalize it. Your ex’s attorney is just doing what they are being paid to do. They do not know you and only know the story from your ex’s point of view. If you continue to abide by and respect the court — and provide a good, stable life for your children, that is really the best ammunition that you have for prevailing in family court. Family courts are not perfect, but they are reluctant to greatly disrupt the status quo — so do your best under the circumstances, and this will carry the most weight.
Learning to Cope & Accept Your New Future
Life after separation from an abuser is not a bed of roses, especially at first. The first struggle is a mental one. Many abusers told their victims that they could not make it alone. You have to constantly tell yourself that isn’t true. On top of that, if there is a co-parenting relationship, the abusers often make it very tricky to co-parent with them. As much as you can, limit communication to written emails or texts. That way, you can minimize gaslighting when they tell you that something was done or said that actually wasn’t. In the cases where you do have to speak to them, take the grey rock method. Focus on exchanging information that is relevant to the shared parenting of the children and nothing else.
Focus on building a new life for yourself and your children that is rooted in peace, stability and growth. The only way that you will be able to do that is if you re-create your own sense of value and worth. Consult the Domestic Abuse Hotline or a therapist that works with victims of abuse. Make sure to engage in self-care. Take some time for yourself. Engage in enjoyable activities — both with and without the children. Treat yourself to a spa day or some retail therapy. If money is an issue, enjoy trips to parks or playgrounds — or just road trips to someplace new. Kids love long car rides where they get to munch on snacks and listen to their favorite tunes! Look into childcare assistance and free or low-cost children’s programming in your area. Don’t be afraid to ask for help at every turn — you would be surprised at the amount of help there is out there!
And finally do not be in a hurry to jump into another relationship. Build up your sense of self-love so that you can be a psychologically healthy person in your new relationship. Sometimes it is hard, because someone can sweep into your life like Superman and be ready to save the day. But the reality is that you need to be your own superhero, not someone else. If you do know or meet someone who truly loves you, they will understand your need to take things one step at a time and embark on a new relationship whenever you are ready to do so.
Wishing you strength and healing on your journey!
