The Significance of the 11th of Nisan
It did not dawn on me until last week that this year is the 15th anniversary of my conversion to Judaism (the second time, via an Orthodox beit din). Yes, it was just a few days before Pesach and things were a bit of a whirlwind. But I was thrilled to go into the holiday as a bona-fide Jewish woman. It was an amazing moment in time.
So here we are, 15 years later. I can hardly believe the twists and turns that my life has taken. I also balk at the struggles that I’ve had. I foolishly expected my endurance and perseverance to be somehow be acknowledged, if not celebrated, upon my emerging from the mikvah. But it wasn’t. I also struggled with feelings of loneliness and low self-esteem; due to my utter failure at trying to make attempts to date single Orthodox Jewish men.
And so I crashed and burned. The neglect and disdain (and I will say that it was these things, and not outright abuse, as mentioned in the linked video below; but still, the end effect was the same) just pushed me away. It isn’t that I did not want to live a Jewish life fully entrenched in the Jewish community — I just couldn’t. My protective shell had worn away and I just could not do it anymore.
So what changed? How did my path make a horse shoe turn and now I live as an traditional, observant Jewish woman (many would not say that I am ‘Orthodox’ — but that’s fine by me, whatever floats their boats!)? Well that brings me to another noteworthy event that happened on the 11th of Nissan, 5662 — 109 years prior to the date of my gerut. And that was the birth of the late Lubavitcher Rebbe Menachem Mendel Schneerson, zt”l. I actually didn’t know this until earlier today.
Now anyone who knows me well knows that I am Lubavitch or and aspiring Lubavitcher (my husband, maybe – but not me!). But I would be remiss to not tell the truth in regards to the role that Chabad has played in my teshuva (return) back to observant Judaism. What had happened is that I had really whittled so much of Jewish observance out of my life to try to appease my ex, who felt threatened by my religious observance. But after I had my boys, it lit a fire inside of me and I began to feel really bothered that they weren’t being exposed to Judaism. So I signed us up for some Mommy & Me events at the Chabad in Monroeville. I expected them to tolerate us. I did not expect to be welcomed and loved.
And it was that initial response — the response of ‘welcome; it is so nice to have you join us….’ that sowed the seeds to the idea that I still had a home among the Jewish people. That this idea that I had been inadequate and a major disappointment was mainly in my head. It wasn’t easy, but I began to rebuild the pieces of my broken Jewish life. I enrolled the boys into a Jewish daycare. I relocated and joined an Orthodox synagogue.
Please understand that none of this would have happened if it wasn’t for the love and support shown to me by a Chabad Shliach (emissary) who was acting in accordance to the teachings of the Rebbe — including what the Rebbe teaches about converts. It is fascinating by the way.
Today in the year 5786, we are so very far removed from matan Torah – the giving of the Torah at Mt. Sinai; and thus we are floundering a bit in so many spiritual matter — including the processing of converts to Judaism. Politics has just about destroyed the system of having the convert be adopted by a Jewish family and/or community and learn to be a Jew in a immersive and holistic manner (the exception to this is the conversion process in the UK — which still requires the convert to do this).
This is unfortunate because a convert needs a good deal of love and support from the Jewish community in order to succeed. I did not always have that, and yes, it is not easy to love and support all of the people who convert to Judaism. But the things that are really worthwhile in life — they are rarely easy.
Thank you so much to all of those who supported and loved me on this journey. I appreciate you more than you will ever know!
