Be Careful If You Are Recruited To A Jewish Community
Non-Jews may be a bit surprised to hear that many Jewish communities in the United States actually recruit Jews (preferably young ones who are married with children) to move to them. The truth of the matter is a Jewish community needs a good amount of capital to maintain a robust infrastructure. If the community is well supported, they usually do not engage in these recruitment efforts. You almost never see places like Brooklyn, Miami, Los Angeles, Baltimore or even Cleveland (my current community) putting forth any type of herculean effort to try to entice Jews to move there. It just simply isn’t needed.
Since Orthodox Jews are very dependent on a healthy Jewish infrastructure, the Orthodox Union helps to support the marketing efforts of communities that are trying to grow. One of those communities, Harrisburg, PA is included.
Before you read any further, please understand that Jewish law (halacha) prohibits speaking negatively in a public situation about another Jew. So I will not be naming any names. I also want to let it be known that I divulge this information to inform others, not to slander.
In the early months of 2019 I was in an unstable domestic situation and I desperately wanted to put physical distance between myself and my ex. I had a short list of Jewish communities that I could afford and even attempt to make a new start over in. Curiously Harrisburg was not at the top of that list. But when I reached out to inquire about a visit, they were so friendly and accommodating, I figured I could at least go out and take a look.
Even though the weather was frigidly cold when I visited in February, I was really touched when the community came over motzei Shabbat to the home of my hosts to welcome and talk to me. But what really cemented the idea in my mind to make Harrisburg our home was a visit to the Brenner Early Learning Center. It was so impressive to see what the children were doing on site. It was a dream come true really and I desperately wanted my boys to be a part of it.
We ended up moving in April, and to be honest, it wasn’t a seamless move by any means. Because of the contentious nature of our family court case, I was afraid to sign a traditional lease with a landlord that I didn’t know. I was really hoping for some sort of help or assistance from the Jewish community on housing. But I hit a dead end when the one landlord contact from the shul declined to rent to me because of my credit (which was simply tanked because my ex just stopped paying on our shared debts). So in the end I ended up renting off of extended family well outside of the eruv. Initially we would get some invites for Shabbat; but in all honestly I wasn’t up to spend overnights with 3 babies in a home that wasn’t my own for 25+ hours most weeks. And to be honest, I was ok with that.
So now the stage is set really. My biggest touch point to the Jewish community wasn’t shul — but daycare. Unfortunately, the dream daycare turned into a bit of a nightmare when I realized that the daycare administrator had formed a personal dislike for myself and my children (I later found out that it wasn’t just me, that other parents had the same negative experience, but that still didn’t lessen the stress that she put on me). Thankfully the teachers and programming was still amazing. I tried to focus on that. When the pandemic started in early Spring 2020, the stress had escalated, but the pandemic seemed to remove the laser focus off of me/us for a while (I really felt that she made it her mission to kick my oldest out of the daycare).
Now you may be wondering why I am getting into this here. Well, to my surprise, when I did go to shul, many of the other parents who had their children in the JCC’s daycare had the same complaints. The daycare administrator was just rude and unhelpful and nasty to all of us. I kinda balked that those who were spearheading recruitment to Harrisburg didn’t come to our aid to address this somehow. In fact, at least 3 of us (myself included) ended up pulling children out of the daycare because the stress just wasn’t worth it. But the daycare wasn’t the only problem.
Since Harrisburg is so small, there are only 2 options for Orthodox services — the larger Modern Orthodox synagogue and a small Chabad minyan in the rabbi’s home. Remember when I said that I rarely went to Shabbat services? Well that was actually a blessing because in 2020, the main Orthodox congregation relocated — away from the Uptown area of Harrisburg proper up towards Susquehanna Township. The timing of that move was so that during the pandemic, there were no accommodations for children. None. I tried to go to Chabad instead once, and was turned away because they also ‘had no place for kids’. Wow. Ok, so then I just switched and went to the traditional Conservative synagogue. For the most part I love the people, rabbi and community there. But it wasn’t Orthodox. And then we ran into a major issue there as well.
I was still in contact with folks from the Orthodox shul. Politics were tearing it apart, with a large faction refusing to entertain the rabbi. Many felt that he had inappropriately blurred lines between personal opinions and rabbinic pastoral leadership. I began to feel thankful that I never became deeply embroiled in it all personally….but it still was painful to witness.
As the years passed, the children aged out of daycare and began day school. My oldest had been diagnosed with ADHD and the lone Jewish day school just couldn’t accommodate his needs. So we did a pivot to him being in public school and doing Jewish supplemental classes on the weekends at the Conservative synagogue. Total disaster. My three boys were quickly labeled as being unmanageable and they began to require that I attend classes with them. Then I was reported to CYS for just disciplining my children (which is something that they apparently couldn’t do). But hey, it would be my third round of reporting after the terrible daycare administrator had reported me twice. Every time was a total waste and the poor case workers would be confused and scratching their heads at just what the issues were.
And they weren’t the only ones. My oldest had behavioral health services provided by T.W. Ponessa. They were really great. And they had a couple staff members sit me down and explain to me that from their professional perspective, the daycare administration and the Jewish daycare teachers were not being reasonable and serious about the behavioral plans and supports that they were trying to put in place. Contrast that to the public school, which did an excellent job working with them and marked progress could be seen with my son. Again, this was heartbreaking to go through and it is really the thing that pushed me over the edge. I just knew that Harrisburg wouldn’t be sustainable for us as a family over the long term.
Community Fumble
At the same time that we were going through all this as a family, the Jewish Federation of Greater Harrisburg launched this campaign to expand and leave its old building (which served as the consolidated center for Jewish life really), and spend almost $5 million dollars purchasing the old Dixon Center in 2022. This really didn’t make any sense to me and yes, it was a virtue signal that the community was growing. But was it? I remember going to the grand opening in 2023, and even with all of the new entities moved in, the place felt very empty. All the slick marketing in the world couldn’t make people pop out of thin air.
Then you had the revolving door of federation presidents/leadership. Then there was the relocation of the early learning center. My children had aged out, but in talking to some of the teachers, they wanted to know where the playground would be….how they would have a garden….how they would have water-time or swim lessons (with no pool). And what about the kosher kitchen? I already knew that at Silver Academy they had transitioned from alternating meat and dairy lunches to having just dairy lunches only.
Fast forward to today, and this is where we are:
When I left Harrisburg in 2024, it didn’t feel like any sort of major victory at the time. However hindsight is 20-20, and looking back, it was a blessing to leave when we did. In spite of what we went through, I have good memories of our time in Harrisburg. But I also see the many, many missed opportunities to integrate us into the community in a holistic manner.
It is true that I may have not have been the perfect or ideal recruit for the community, but I was there. And since I was there, some efforts could have been made to get to know me and my family outside of just the school/daycare setting. It wasn’t until I left and came to a different community, then I realized what a difference it makes to have the people in the community be genuine and truly be excited to have you join. So you live and you learn!
Pitfalls To Look Out For
Looking back, before I moved to Harrisburg, there were definitely warning signs that I should have taken note of. They were:
- Try to look into the near future. Yes, Harrisburg worked great for us during the daycare years. But things started to break a bit during the school years. Not that I had any idea that one of my boys would have special needs, but I should have considered the larger Jewish educational landscape.
- Dig deeper below the surface….if you can. One thing that impressed me early on in Harrisburg was that there were several Jewish families that had members that were Jews of Color. However what I didn’t know is that one of the families homeschooled (and didn’t utilize the daycare or the school); and another one had children that were much older than mine. Yet another only stayed in Harrisburg part-time. And while this wasn’t a game changer, it sure was a wake up call when I finally moved there.
- Don’t underestimate the relationship with the rabbi. To be 100% honest, I never felt comfortable with the shul’s rabbi. It could be just a personality thing — or there could be legitimate concerns. Either way, if things are rocky with the shul rabbi, it can make things needlessly difficult.
- Be grateful for any assistance with housing or employment; but proceed with caution! Many times in the recruitment process, offers are made to help secure employment and/or housing. These offers make sense, because these are often huge hurdles to overcome when relocating However, do not count on this assistance blindly! In my case, I was offered a loan from the rabbi’s discretionary fund. Since my employment situation was secure, I declined it. Later I was very glad that I did because when the political split occurred within the shul, the rabbi demanded money owned by some parties in the opposing faction to be repaid immediately! With job assistance I’ve seen placements happen in positions that did not pay the greatest wages — but feelings get hurt when you leave these jobs because it looks bad on the person who referred you. Things like that.
The truth of the matter is if a Jewish community is working hard on recruitment, there is a reason why their numbers are low. This doesn’t mean that things are all bad or that it won’t work out for you and your family. Just be sure to have your own eyes wide open.
